Things I learned From My Ex-Boyfriends

His brother and his brother's girlfriend are expecting a baby so we should have one too.
He only eats his mother's spaghetti sauce so every time we want to have spaghetti for dinner we are going to have to go to her house. We also have to let her know a few days in advance because it takes her two days to make the sauce.

I told him I loved him, but he wasn't able to tell me that he loved me as well until four years later when he got engaged to somebody else.
Sleeps with me for over a month and then tells me that he is still in a relationship with somebody else. It was my fault for being "so attractive" but he still wants to stay with the other girl.
I do not pick up after myself fast enough.
I need a better fashion sense, his mother always looks great in what she wears so I should too.
I am just going to leave him for somebody that makes more money and/or has a larger penis than he does.
He is ugly and I am going to leave him even if I tell him that I'm not going to leave him and I don't think he is ugly. I am obviously lying but it's okay because he is ugly and I'm going to leave him.
He makes plans for me and then doesn't tell me until ten minutes before we have to leave the house.
I have ten minutes to get ready or we are going to be late and people are going to judge us.
I can't own anything that doesn't match the wall paint of the interior of the house.

I must not be very good at painting my nails because I often get some of the paint on the skin around the sides of my nails. His Mother and his Aunt never do that. Their nails always look perfect.
It is my fault that he is so irritated with me.

Expressing multiple feelings will label me as "Needy".
Expressing multiple needs will label me as "High Maintenance".
Expressing multiple wants will label me as "Gold Digger".
Expressing sadness will label me as "Psycho".
Expressing anger will label me a "Cheater".
All of our problems would not exist if his penis was just a few inches longer.
This dress looks great on me. I'm still fat but it looks great.
I can do whatever I want as long as I do what I'm supposed to be doing. Especially if we are in public.

When it is HIS bedtime it is also MY bedtime.
If He can not afford it then WE can not afford it.
HIS friends are now MY friends.
My old friends are terrible people.
All old my friends say terrible things about him straight to his face when my back is turned and I am out of earshot.
If he can not fix it then it is unable to ever be repaired and must be replaced.

I have to make the bed before I get in it.
I have to turn the water off while I am brushing my teeth.
I should go out with my friends and party more often. I am always sitting at home waiting for him to get home from the bar and it's really annoying.
I need to learn how to cook because I burn and/or under cook everything.
Clean the stove off right away. People judge us by how dirty the stove is.
We can't take my car because it's too old and it's embarrassing to be seen driving it, we have to take his car instead.
Don't eat in the car because crumbs get everywhere.
They took to long to cook the food. We can't eat comfortably in this restaurant ever again.
Men demand respect even if I am above them in a professional chain of command.
It's adorable that I know the answer to the question but we have to ask a man so we can make sure it really is the correct answer.

Don't put things on the table. The table is for looking at and not for putting things on.
Make sure the dishes are done before I sit down to eat the dinner that I just cooked. If it gets cold before I get done with the dishes then heat it up. Hurry up because he is hungry and can't start eating until I finish the dishes.
There are two categories of food: Meat and Cheese. All other foods purchased will not be eaten and will be labeled a waste of money. Hunger strikes will be implemented in order to pity me into buying nothing but steak and macaroni & cheese.

Vacuum. A lot. Repeatedly. I missed a spot. I missed a spot. I missed a spot. I missed a spot.

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