Things I learned From My Ex-Boyfriends

its easier to just sit outside away from the annoyance of doing everything incorrect.

He talks to me like I'm an employee. He needs to know that I'm "on board" with everything he wants me doing.
If I don't behave he withholds intimacy from me.
He doesn't call me.
He doesn't invite me to go anywhere with him even if his friends ask him where I am.
He would rather play video games then have me around.

He will speak to me for hours about a topic that I know nothing about and then get upset when I don't have anything to say about it.

I need to straighten my act up if I ever want him to get me a ring
I need to make sure that all of my things are out of the washer and dryer as soon as they are done so that he doesn't have to touch them when he has to do his laundry.
Only his cat is allowed to sleep in the bed with us. My cat has to stay in the living room.
My bedroom is a disaster and it embarrasses him when his family visits.

He already knows exactly how he wants everything to be done for our wedding so there's no reason for me to even think about picking anything out that I might want for it.
The only color Christmas tree that is allowed in his home is green. All Christmas ornaments should be red and green and maybe gold if they are nice enough.
I thought that maybe since he was calling me all the time and that we were sleeping together that maybe we would be a couple again but it turns out that he's still engaged to someone else and has no intentions of leaving her.
Three months into the relationship it turns out that he only has driving privileges since he got a dui five months ago. So now I have to drive us everywhere.

His brother and his brother's girlfriend are expecting a baby so we should have one too.
He only eats his mother's spaghetti sauce so every time we want to have spaghetti for dinner we are going to have to go to her house. We also have to let her know a few days in advance because it takes her two days to make the sauce.

I told him I loved him, but he wasn't able to tell me that he loved me as well until four years later when he got engaged to somebody else.
Sleeps with me for over a month and then tells me that he is still in a relationship with somebody else. It was my fault for being "so attractive" but he still wants to stay with the other girl.
I do not pick up after myself fast enough.
I need a better fashion sense, his mother always looks great in what she wears so I should too.
I am just going to leave him for somebody that makes more money and/or has a larger penis than he does.
He is ugly and I am going to leave him even if I tell him that I'm not going to leave him and I don't think he is ugly. I am obviously lying but it's okay because he is ugly and I'm going to leave him.
He makes plans for me and then doesn't tell me until ten minutes before we have to leave the house.
I have ten minutes to get ready or we are going to be late and people are going to judge us.
I can't own anything that doesn't match the wall paint of the interior of the house.

I must not be very good at painting my nails because I often get some of the paint on the skin around the sides of my nails. His Mother and his Aunt never do that. Their nails always look perfect.
It is my fault that he is so irritated with me.

Expressing multiple feelings will label me as "Needy".
Expressing multiple needs will label me as "High Maintenance".
Expressing multiple wants will label me as "Gold Digger".
Expressing sadness will label me as "Psycho".
Expressing anger will label me a "Cheater".
All of our problems would not exist if his penis was just a few inches longer.
This dress looks great on me. I'm still fat but it looks great.
I can do whatever I want as long as I do what I'm supposed to be doing. Especially if we are in public.